Taking a moment to be still...

In the silence of a cold winter morning, thinking about things that need to be done, sometimes my mind will wander to questions: Why am I doing all of this? What does my life mean? Why am I here?

Dangerous questions depending on your state of mind and emotional stability. I'm somewhere in the middle, I guess. I find this time of year to be incredibly depressing with the greed and commercialism, the selfishness and the ingratitude that I see nearly every day. [Not to mention the lack of sunlight.] It often makes me look at myself and I'm not very kind. I see failures, I see poverty, I see my own greed and selfishness... I find it to be ugly and depressing.

I must admit that it takes a bit of a wrench to get my vision turned from inside... to outside - to see the blessings in my life and the "it's not so bad as I might think" perspectives. I look back at Christmas-Past and I can admit, yeah - I like the presents, too, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it was always the sharing that lifted my spirit in a way that lasted past the holidays - sharing food, sharing funny stories & the laughter, sharing "just being" together. And it didn't mean you had to be 'blood-related' only. There are very few memories of a Christmas (or a Thanksgiving) without at least one friend or neighbor joining us because they found themselves alone. We never thought twice about inviting them. The last few years, we have even opted to not do presents in favor of just getting together. [With the few exceptions of "this just screamed your name and I had to get it for you".]

Underneath all the glitter and lights (which I enjoy very much - if tastefully done), there are things in the heart & soul that mean so much more. Those things you can't buy in a store. Those things that typically give you more back when they are given. There is no doubt, it is VERY difficult to see past all the "seasonal insanity" and all of the harsh in-your-face circumstances that we all face in one form or another.

When looking inside or outside of myself, I sometimes have the most difficulty remembering to 'look up'. There is where I will always find the answer to my questions. There is where I find the reason for my life, my circumstances and my future. The greatest gift of all times. From cradle - to cross - to grave - to the right hand of God.

Merry Christmas & His Grace be upon you all.

[photo source: StephanieShott.com 11/29/2009 ]

Blessings &/or Blessings in disguise?

It's been a while since I've written anything about my experiences at work and my migraine issues. In some ways, there have been big changes and other ways, there has been no change at all. Confusing, huh? Yeah, it is to me, too. Avoiding the deep narratives: Big changes = new doctors/meds/treatments. No changes = office attitudes/policies.

• October 7th - Neurologist appointment where WorkComp was to have provided the air/fragrance test results. No show. When I asked the WorkComp girl about it two weeks later, she said that a letter would be sent to my doctor. I got a copy... no test results. Just a list of questions that she told me that she was sending to my doctor - BACK IN JUNE/JULY.
• November 11th - New care provider. A remarkably nice and attentive woman who is willing to share information and insight. [She's a ARNP, not an MD.] Such a refreshing change. [She also discovered - right off the bat - that I have a significant Vitamin D deficiency. I've never EVER been tested for that. Now we are working on getting those levels balanced and getting my health into a holistic picture... and I am very interested to see how/if these changes will affect my migraine symptoms.]
• My overall interpretation of the WorkComp and office attitudes is that it has all "gone underground". The office staff has gone completely silent on the topic and the WorkComp people will not even release the test results to my doctor(s). It's like the situation was swept under the rug and forcibly forgotten.
  

A new "big change' actually prompted this 'catch-up' and I got it yesterday, 12/1 (30 minutes before I left for the day): The department that absorbed my work area back in January/February... is doing it again. I and the two guys who are my work-neighbors were told that "six new employees" will be moving into our work areas next Monday. So, we have that long to get our work areas moved out... and the only place for us to go is slightly east of "perfume central".

Kicker: They are moving the three of us TONIGHT. It rather concerns me what we will find when we go to work tomorrow. I took some time today to box up some of the smaller things and my lamps, unplug all the computers & monitors and try to protect anything that might be in danger of easy breakage. [I still hope that nothing is lost or broken.]

In truth, I'm trying really hard to see these events and changes (or non-changes) as blessings &/or blessings in disguise. Some blessings are clear: They have allowed me to establish working relationships with two very good care providers. They have allowed me to see that an aspirin regimen is actually doing some good and that my body is healing and I am coping better. They have brought to my attention things that I can change and things that I can find ways to cope with.

The blessing in disguise is moving farther away from a handful of persistent fragrance sources... and returning closer to the ones I was escaping back with the July move. I don't know what will come of it. [However, it may prompt a letter to my doctors to update them on the new situation and my hopes that our work (i.e. treatments) will not be undone. It may also give them weight in getting the test results from WorkComp. I still want those test results.]

One thing is for certain... the next several days and weeks could be challenging in many ways.
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God Bless & Godspeed.