Should I just faint now and get it over with?

I thought I was confused before. Wow.

Because I was told way back in August that I would "definitely hear" back about the fragrance testing BEFORE October, I thought I'd use my nausea and wooziness as courage to push the deal a little bit early. On 9/28, I sent a simple note to the Industrial Hygienist asking if she could tell me if the testing had been completed. She did reply (my first 'official' anything) saying that the report had been completed and submitted to State Fund (i.e. Workman's Comp). No dates and no details volunteered. [And I respected that.]

So, today, after my vision came back (Yup, I got slammed with the first classic migraine I've had since March at about 7:20am and about 30 seconds after I wrapped up my last work project - God's timing is good), and when my brain cleared up enough to think in complete sentenses, I decided to ask my claim-girl about the report. I started by letting her know that the IH confirmed that the report was done and I asked if there was anything she could share with me. I told her I was meeting with my neurologist on 10/7 to discuss my migraine treatments and my options would hinge greatly on the test results and the changes (or non-changes) that would result in the workplace.

What I got back was something that my brain interprets as bad news:

"I am going to try and get a letter off to your dr and I will send the findings to the dr to go over with you. They are trained to interpret and can tell you. Basically thought there is nothing found for a sick building! I will copy you with my letter"

Now, that last sentence is not very good English, but any translations on my part all come back to it's a no-go and nothing was found. [Particularly with the exclamation point at the end.] I responded:

"I appreciate that and thank you. I look forward to learning more about it and the direction that my treatments are going to have to go now. It discourages me to think that there was/is 'nothing in the air' considering the sensitivity of the tests. I guess my hopes were set too high when [my friend] told me he received differing information back on 9/15. I guess it's a good thing that I wasn't going to weigh it any more than a rumor until he or I heard something "official". I guess I've got that now. Thank you for your time."

I got no further reply. Didn't expect one, though.

I guess now all my hopes remain on the tenuous footing that perhaps my doctor will be able to share more information than my claim-girl did. It just really makes me wonder why elements of my case can be discussed by her with someone else (i.e. my friend) and not with me. It also makes me wonder (via the law of noncontradiction) who is being lied to, or if a subtle piece of information has been omitted? [i.e. the tests I was expecting were for fragrances... not sick building.] Who knows? But I do know that I'm quite depressed about it (but that could be migraine related, too).

Fortunately, not having work lined up for me to do, and no desire or oomph to make busy work for myself, I spent a few hours reading in the Scriptures an really soaked into the Book of 1 Peter. There is a lot of good stuff in there that applies to me and my situation. Good encouragements as well as a few chastisements, but the following were the ones that really spoke to my spirit:

1 Peter 2:18-23 (New International Version)
18Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh [Note: NASB has this ‘unreasonable’]. 19For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. 20But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 22"He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth."[e] 23When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
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1 Peter 3:13-17 (New International Version)
13Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear[b]; do not be frightened."[c] 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.
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Maybe something good will still come of all this. I'll have to let you know, but I'm not expecting anything new to become available until after my appointment on 10/7.

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Godspeed & God Bless

God moves in mysterious ways... and He has me so confused.

I still thank God for Extra Strength Excedrin (or the generic equivalent).

As far as the adventures at my office, they continue. I wear a mask almost constantly these days and upgraded on 9/18 from the 3m-8210-N95 respirator - dust and fine particles - to the 3m-8247-R95 respirator (w/ a carbon layer) - latex paints and 'annoying odors' - as they've transferred an entire department into our work area (6-10 people) since the beginning of September. And, even with the mask, I've still had a few occasions where I've had to completely abandon my work area for 4-6 hours until people's scents have aged to the point where I don't react as much. [i.e. The more freshly applied a scented product is, the stronger and faster my reactions. Still wet hair-mousse is killer for me! UGH!]

Now, I know that God is sovereign and His plan is perfect in intent and execution... but I am so confused.

On September 15th, I was told a fragile soap-bubble of a rumor that sent my hopes soaring to the heights. A trusted source (the fellow who is deathly allergic - and whose case has been linked to mine because of the fragrance issues) told me that the Work-Comp lady told him that the perfume testing had been completed, the results are back, and it seems that the company has a significant problem with the levels of fragrance chemicals in our air. That information came with a promise that the "officials" will be addressing the issue to the company "in person". I was also told that the results of this meeting would bring the instigation of a fragrance-free policy.

[The drawback is that the company can comply or not, but there are consequences to either choice. If this is "real", and it does "happen", my greatest fear will be the repercussions from the high-school mentality individuals who will blame me for it... even if it was their own choice of actions that have brought on the consequences that will affect an entire company.]

As of today, I'm wondering if this soap-bubble rumor hasn't popped and become just another puff of scented air to deal with. There has been no official word of anything, and it's painfully obvious that there have been no changes in the work place. And, I must confess that things are getting worse in more than a couple of ways...

On 9/21, I had yet another episode where I had to escape to my friend's office.

On 9/22, I was told by my supervisor (without an iota of an explanation) that I could no longer go to my friend's office when I cannot stay in my own work area. I can also no longer use my own laptop. I'm being told I must use a conference room positioned two departments CLOSER to the bulk of the fragrance sources that started this little game. Isn't that kind of them? And I've been given access to my supervisor's laptop that he keeps in his office. [I've not quite figured out how to access it when he's got his door shut and/or is having meetings... Not what I'd call accessible at a moment's notice, that's for sure!]

9/23 & 9/24 were some horrible days that started with extensive fragrances on top of an unwelcome dosage of bug spray (the Cooler-Keeper has a problem with spiders)... and when I reported it (because she was expressly told not to use it again)... I was suddenly accused of lying and spent the majority of two days defending myself. Yet again, I'm being warned of harassment charges and I'm completely aghast at my repeated character assassination. It even set me up for the complete inability to report the two perfume samples (like the ones in magazines) that were tossed into my work area late afternoon on that second day, unfortunately without witnesses. [I had to have one of my neighbor coworkers remove them as I couldn't even touch them.] And with expressly detailed vitriol from the front office, without photographic or video evidence, my word is invalid. [No matter how they tried to convince me that they weren't taking sides!]

[I'm slowly learning that rules are completely flexible and completely unequal in their distribution and enforcement. No matter what is done 'because it's the right thing to do', expect it to be used against you like a 2X4.]

Alas, God's plan continues to mystify as today (9/28) I had yet another block thrown into my path as I had to give back the key to my friend's office that he had given to me for those escapes when he was not there. That completely removes my guaranteed safe area from my options. I really would like to know what God is planning, but right now, I'm just trying to give them absolutely no reason to fire me.

New motto: SHOW UP, SHUT UP, DO MY JOB & GO HOME.

Today, however, God granted me mercy and I only needed my mask for about two hours this morning. That is the least amount of usage in a single day in over a month. I am very grateful... and confess that I'm a little greedy for perhaps another 'better day' tomorrow.

I'll have to keep you posted. I really don't know what is going to happen with all this mess... but I believe that it's going to get messier before it gets straightened out. Any prayers for God's will to be done in this situation would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Godspeed and God Bless

A bit of inspiration...new blog photo

This might be a weird post entry, but I wanted to share it with you. [And it's a nice distraction from my migraine saturation of the past several weeks... future post(s) will be forthcoming at some point, I'm sure.]

When the world gets really chaotic (and it has been exceptional of late), I find doing something artistic can sometimes help set my mind back into some semblance of order and I can get my focus back. The easiest source of artistic play right now is working on blog photos.

I've wanted to put up something "new" so I have used spare moments to leisurely search for pictures. [Which can be relaxing in and of itself.] I have photos of winter that I'm not near ready to use, but I had no photos that might bring out the Fall colors that are rapidly approaching. And, as always, I was searching for more cute squirrel pictures to incorporate into my library of photos.

I managed to find two photos that just "spoke to me": 1.) A sleeping squirrel, and 2.) a photo that can only be described as a spray of God's fire trapped in the guise of maple leaves. [Many thanks to the individuals who took the photos and were willing to cast them into the internet... and my wishes that I could find their names to give them credit.]




The squirrel was actually going to become a "caption this photo" element, but this little critter needed something special that wouldn't disappear too quickly into the archive. [Something that I could reuse as many times as I wanted.] Looking at the picture, my heart wants to be where that squirrel is - safe, relaxed, utterly unconcerned with the world, perhaps even content. That's the way it should be in "your own nest". So, it was chosen to be a blog title photo, if I could just figure out how to display it. I did some experimentation with combining the photos and I found the simplest treatment to ultimately be the best. The result is the blog title photo that is now displayed.

It really makes me smile inside to look at it.
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

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Godspeed & God Bless

It's been a roller coaster...

Sorry I've not been around a lot. Things have just been loaded with ups and downs for weeks now, which makes me particularly grateful to have Monday off without burning vacation time.

I'm able to blog today because I'm stuck in Missoula (where there is internet)... Well, voluntarily stuck. I'd rather be at home, but tomorrow is the first of the University of Montana Grizzlies football games. Hubby and I have season tickets with my sister. Pity he can't attend because of work. :(

[But he was able to negotiate trades with another driver for two games - one in October and one in November, so he won't miss them all. You want to see what he thinks of football? Click here.]

[sigh] It was my hope that this blog would have more lighthearted or (I hope) interesting things to share, but I continue to find myself blindsided or interrupted... or more likely, I've been just completely out of steam or desire to do anything. So I think I've done more whining than I'd care to admit. Sorry. [I don't know how people with similar experiences do it... especially if there are kids or pets that also demand their attention. Wow.]

The battles have commanded the priority positions for a long time. Any respite from them means... chores, sleep and chores until whatever steam that remains goes away. What about weekends? Someday, perhaps, I'll have access to internet at home again, but right now it doesn't really matter. For the last few weekends, 'chores' includes cleaning the church for a community concert scheduled on the 12th. It's a beautiful facility, but it's also quite large. I've been astounded at how much of a workout vacuuming for two hours straight can be... especially dealing with lingering migraine effects from the week prior. It took two hours for the sanctuary and foyer, and two hours for the basement & fellowship hall (separate weekends). I count myself blessed that this coming weekend, Mr. Squirrel and another church member will help me finish up the kitchen, bathrooms (all four of them) and any additional mopping that needs to be done. Once completed, it'll all be done... before the concert. Whew!

As far as the rest of my life, I believe I've reached a cross-roads, of sorts, for many of the things going on right now. I've got so much confusion going on in my mind... and not all of it is the result of migraines. [Though the migraines seem to be the underlying pavement - causes, effects, frustrations and depression.]

At my office: Although the new work area is better, it is not without it's migraine triggers for me. And, the last few weeks has seen increased activity to prepare areas for new people to move in. That activity keeps the air stirred up... and all the fragrances circulate with a vengeance. I've begun to think that Darth Vader wants to be my new friend in the Masks-R-Us club. It's been awful. It's spurred me into researching painter's masks and portable air-purifier systems that will filter out VOC vapors. [VOC=Volitile Organic Compounds]

I SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Tied to that is the continuing Workman's Comp "exercise in futility". The distillation of a frustrating day can be boiled down to this: I cannot make appointments, referrals, purchase equipment, etc. without the express permission (i.e. authorization) of the Workman's Comp... girl. And, she will not authorize ANYTHING until they determine whether or not I've got a claim. But, I can't do that without the appointments that they won't authorize until after the claim is determined to actually be work related... and not some sort of life issue. [Which I am sure they are going to push towards so they don't have to pay a red cent. But that's my own frustrated opinion.] In other words: I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I still have hope that the air-testing will still bear fruit. I found out that the fragrance test was done as a follow-up one week after the general testing. It's my hope that she landed on a day when everyone was fragrant. The results should be coming back any time now.

Physically, I'm experiencing all of those (Bickerstaff) migraine symptoms that I find the most disturbing: Tingling and numbness in my left arm, hand, leg and foot; a brain that seems to get shocked into neutral so that I can't think, and of course the the equilibrium that is a large-bubble-off-of-plumb. The blessing (yup, there is one), is that having moved to the new location, the after effects which used to last up to three days or more, only last 12 to 48 hours. Unless it's a really solid hit, then I get the 72-hour amusement park.

Some new things have got me a little spooked though. After the move, although the numbness in my little toes went away completely (Yea!), I've been noticing a persistent tenderness under my left eyebrow and the upper edge of the orbital ridge. I believe it is related to the migraines because I've experienced it before on the right side. The oddity is that it shifted to the left side and that it is persistent while being variable in degree and duration. It could also be related to some dental sensitivity (also variable and intermittent) on the same side. [Which could also be migraine related with either hormones or perhaps clenching, though I've not done it in the past.]

Right here I get the abrupt reminder about the Workman's Comp girl's proclamation about required pre-authorization and promised automatic denial of authorization because the claim is not yet considered legit.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Well, I've already made an appointment with my neurologist (first available opening is October 7th) and I'm working up the courage to pursue both a dental and an eye exam. Without authorization - and I may not even tell her about it. [ooo... I'm such a trouble-maker.] I had planned to do both months ago, but our finances wouldn't carry the burden. Now that Hubby is back in the workforce, the chances are better that we can cover expenses... but we are still in the financial rebuilding stages. We can't get spend-happy too much or too quickly.

I'd better sign off this post before it becomes a bigger novel. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts, the encouragements and caring.

P.S. That one minute commercial for the Griz Football on Hubby's site is from a couple of years ago, but it's what we watch before games to get charged up... I've watched it about four times already this evening.... maybe five. I remember someone calling it "group therapy with 25,000 of your closest friends". There is some truth to that.

Go Griz!
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God bless & Godspeed