Where to begin? These are the times when I'm reminded of scriptures that describe the Holy Spirit praying for us when we are unable to even form the words. Pity I can't remember enough to reference any. [I'll add the scripture(s) in this bracket later if I can find it.]I confess we are in the same boat we've been in, but with less money as those bills just keep on coming and they must be paid. I know that God is in control and that all of this is somehow part of His plan, but it is really wearing on me. This particular faith-stretching exercise is a grueling one. I find myself dipping into lows of spirit that are getting harder and harder to come out of, and I know "this isn't me". I don't act this way... yet I find myself here. [I've even begun digging into my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy notes and books in hopes of sorting out my brain... but that could be a post all its own... and may be before all is said and done.]
It would be easier to endure if my unemployment checks were not still being held up by the WorkComp thing. I finally got fed up with it so that last week I sent a signed-certified-return-receipt letter to them with a copy of the letter I received from WorkComp stating that the claim was denied. I sent it on the 6th. They received it on the 7th. I received the return receipt by the 9th. They have the documentation now, but as of this week they have apparently not processed it. It's my plan to wait for my next bi-weekly claim before making an appointment to talk to someone in person. Perhaps before then, I'll see a check... or 6... as that is how many they've held.
Work/income continues to be elusive for both Mr. Squirrel and me.
For my part, the job opportunity with the sister-company where I used to work at finally fell completely apart. It seems they worked very hard to get another application in (including increasing the wage offer) so they didn't have to hire me. And it is amazingly difficult to prove discrimination in the hiring process, as they don't have to tell you why they "didn't" hire you. I just know from the friends who encouraged me to apply... they know the atmosphere of their workplace and the changes (or not) that they can see.
[An amusing addition to this story is that another position came open in the neighboring department that was forcing me to move my work area around so much last year. I almost laughed out loud. Yeah, right. Why would I want to work in the same air-space as the person who gave me so many migraines in 2009? Wouldn't that be sadistic... or suicidal? No, thank you!]
My other job opportunity, for working at home, is still in limbo somewhere. At this point I don't know if anything has been done with my resume at all. I doubt that any security check has happened (i.e. tack on 2-weeks of additional delay whenever something DOES happen) and I'm more doubtful that the "other agencies" for whom I was requested permission for submission ever happened either. It's getting very frustrating trying to get any information... and then just waiting... and waiting.
The only good news that I got back this past week was akin to "he's still alive." Yes, good news indeed, and an answer to prayer. However, the bugaboo lies in that I still have to keep looking for work in order to get the unemployment (that I'm not getting). By the rules, I can only use a repeat job contact once every two weeks. That means that every other week I have to introduce a new job opportunity to the mix. I have so much fear and paranoia about the types of places I can work and the perfumes that might abound in them. Would I be confined to exposure? Would I be able to escape?
I'm trying very hard to recognize that since I got laid-off, my migraine symptoms have decreased dramatically (unless I get into situations I can't avoid like family gatherings where the people who "know better"... don't care). As such, my layoff really has been a blessing, and the events above help me to believe that God didn't want me to go back. It is my hope that in reducing my exposure, I perhaps might be able to build back some measure of resistance. It's not there yet, but I'm hoping it will come back.
Did that all sound like mud? It sure did to me. Venting on paper (or blog) I guess this must be, although it's much nicer than the wording I have in my personal journal. I guess the CBT that I've been working through has helped somewhat. Some of that energy I was investing in anger and frustration has been decreased, though it is still something to be dealt with.
Yeah... perhaps a blog post about some CBT techniques might be useful to a reader somewhere... including me.
Thanks very much for listening to me blather on. Any prayers would be gratefully accepted.
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God bless & Godspeed
2 comments:
God is good.
Most days I consider it to be a disadvantage, but He made me to be the type of creature whose misery likes company.
So, this afternoon, I drove over to a church-sister's home for some distraction and arrived just in time to help her with some awkward lifting and lumber stacking.
There is something to be said for sitting on the tailgate of a pickup on a stunningly beautiful day (with a bald eagle soaring in the sky above - for real) talking out the problems & worries of life and getting one's brain back into a functional perspecitve.
She's got some stressful stuff going on in her life, too, and it was nice to help each other by just listening & talking it out. It was also very helpful for both of us to get our eyes back on God and to be reminded that it's all in His timing and not ours.
It was like three hours of therapy that only cost the moving of some sheet plywood and some lumber. Can't beat that :)
... kind of wish I had my camera for a picture of the eagle... but I was depressed when I left the house and didn't put it into my purse.
Oh, well. It wasn't wasted in the experience. :D
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