Taking a moment to be still...

In the silence of a cold winter morning, thinking about things that need to be done, sometimes my mind will wander to questions: Why am I doing all of this? What does my life mean? Why am I here?

Dangerous questions depending on your state of mind and emotional stability. I'm somewhere in the middle, I guess. I find this time of year to be incredibly depressing with the greed and commercialism, the selfishness and the ingratitude that I see nearly every day. [Not to mention the lack of sunlight.] It often makes me look at myself and I'm not very kind. I see failures, I see poverty, I see my own greed and selfishness... I find it to be ugly and depressing.

I must admit that it takes a bit of a wrench to get my vision turned from inside... to outside - to see the blessings in my life and the "it's not so bad as I might think" perspectives. I look back at Christmas-Past and I can admit, yeah - I like the presents, too, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it was always the sharing that lifted my spirit in a way that lasted past the holidays - sharing food, sharing funny stories & the laughter, sharing "just being" together. And it didn't mean you had to be 'blood-related' only. There are very few memories of a Christmas (or a Thanksgiving) without at least one friend or neighbor joining us because they found themselves alone. We never thought twice about inviting them. The last few years, we have even opted to not do presents in favor of just getting together. [With the few exceptions of "this just screamed your name and I had to get it for you".]

Underneath all the glitter and lights (which I enjoy very much - if tastefully done), there are things in the heart & soul that mean so much more. Those things you can't buy in a store. Those things that typically give you more back when they are given. There is no doubt, it is VERY difficult to see past all the "seasonal insanity" and all of the harsh in-your-face circumstances that we all face in one form or another.

When looking inside or outside of myself, I sometimes have the most difficulty remembering to 'look up'. There is where I will always find the answer to my questions. There is where I find the reason for my life, my circumstances and my future. The greatest gift of all times. From cradle - to cross - to grave - to the right hand of God.

Merry Christmas & His Grace be upon you all.

[photo source: StephanieShott.com 11/29/2009 ]

Blessings &/or Blessings in disguise?

It's been a while since I've written anything about my experiences at work and my migraine issues. In some ways, there have been big changes and other ways, there has been no change at all. Confusing, huh? Yeah, it is to me, too. Avoiding the deep narratives: Big changes = new doctors/meds/treatments. No changes = office attitudes/policies.

• October 7th - Neurologist appointment where WorkComp was to have provided the air/fragrance test results. No show. When I asked the WorkComp girl about it two weeks later, she said that a letter would be sent to my doctor. I got a copy... no test results. Just a list of questions that she told me that she was sending to my doctor - BACK IN JUNE/JULY.
• November 11th - New care provider. A remarkably nice and attentive woman who is willing to share information and insight. [She's a ARNP, not an MD.] Such a refreshing change. [She also discovered - right off the bat - that I have a significant Vitamin D deficiency. I've never EVER been tested for that. Now we are working on getting those levels balanced and getting my health into a holistic picture... and I am very interested to see how/if these changes will affect my migraine symptoms.]
• My overall interpretation of the WorkComp and office attitudes is that it has all "gone underground". The office staff has gone completely silent on the topic and the WorkComp people will not even release the test results to my doctor(s). It's like the situation was swept under the rug and forcibly forgotten.
  

A new "big change' actually prompted this 'catch-up' and I got it yesterday, 12/1 (30 minutes before I left for the day): The department that absorbed my work area back in January/February... is doing it again. I and the two guys who are my work-neighbors were told that "six new employees" will be moving into our work areas next Monday. So, we have that long to get our work areas moved out... and the only place for us to go is slightly east of "perfume central".

Kicker: They are moving the three of us TONIGHT. It rather concerns me what we will find when we go to work tomorrow. I took some time today to box up some of the smaller things and my lamps, unplug all the computers & monitors and try to protect anything that might be in danger of easy breakage. [I still hope that nothing is lost or broken.]

In truth, I'm trying really hard to see these events and changes (or non-changes) as blessings &/or blessings in disguise. Some blessings are clear: They have allowed me to establish working relationships with two very good care providers. They have allowed me to see that an aspirin regimen is actually doing some good and that my body is healing and I am coping better. They have brought to my attention things that I can change and things that I can find ways to cope with.

The blessing in disguise is moving farther away from a handful of persistent fragrance sources... and returning closer to the ones I was escaping back with the July move. I don't know what will come of it. [However, it may prompt a letter to my doctors to update them on the new situation and my hopes that our work (i.e. treatments) will not be undone. It may also give them weight in getting the test results from WorkComp. I still want those test results.]

One thing is for certain... the next several days and weeks could be challenging in many ways.
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God Bless & Godspeed.

Happy Thanksgiving

There are so many things to be thankful for. I find myself humbled as I count the blessings (even those harder to find ones that are often hidden amongst the storms and clouds). I hope that everyone might find their list of blessings to be long ones. Safe travels and joy to you all!

God Bless & Godspeed.

Movie Time: The Last Starfighter (1984)

This past week, it made me feel a little old when hubby and I found the "25th Anniversary Edition" DVD release of this movie. However, it was a favorite for both of us so it was added to our collection.

Wow. I had forgotten so much of it. I was a Junior in High School when I saw this on the big screen, but I still found it to be an entertaining and warm-hearted movie. It's not a complex movie by any means, and would never qualify as being "deep". However, when you consider that it was one of the first movies to ever use computer graphics it really is an outstanding display of engineering and a respectable piece of entertainment. [Disney's "Tron" was 1982 - also a movie in our collection.] And this was also back in the age when the only 'computer games' available were arcade machines... for 25-cents a play.

The movie is rated PG. There is some language (from the somewhat obnoxious little brother), and some implied situational stuff, but it's still a PG. My favorite character is Grig, portrayed by Dan O'Herlihy. He manages to get a tremendous amount of facial expression out of a prosthetic mask that shouldn't allow for it. He's wonderful!

It was good to see this movie again and it's the type to leave you feeling good when it's done. Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary Praises

I just wanted to share our Happy Anniversary (just last Saturday, November 7th)! Eleven worthwhile years!

God bless & Godspeed.

Poachers should be shot.

I've never had to call TipMont (the Montana Hotline to report violations to the Fish, Wildlife & Parks people) before in my life, but had to today. The gunshot I heard Friday night turned into the rotting corpse of a buck (deer, not sure if it was a mule deer or a white-tail) that my husband and I found on our property after we got home from church...... minus it's antlers, of course. What a shame and what a waste of meat. It really makes me angry on many levels.

I didn't call it in Friday night because, like most people, I was afraid. [And I've reported gunfire in the past and had little happen towards investigation.] I was home alone and I was shutting down for the night and I saw car lights though the kitchen window. It wasn't unusual to see cars, but it was to have them parked on the side of the road. So, I watched. Soon, one car drove away and I followed it to see where it would go. I didn't see, but I heard a gunshot. I turned off the house light in the front room and watched the other vehicle from the dark. I saw and heard nothing until the vehicle pulled a u-turn and drove away. In the headlights of oncoming highway traffic I could see it was a sedan type car, but couldn't tell anything else about it. I told myself that I'd go look in that area the next day, but exhausted sleep and a ton of housework distracted me... I forgot about it.

This morning, on the way to church, we noticed ravens in the trees (not completely unusual because of the small town dump about 5 miles away) and saw some things on the property that we didn't recognize (specifically brush piles). Last week we did give our neighbor permission to cut up dead & downed trees on our property, but we didn't know where he was going to start. After church, we went to look at the tree cutting and then we found the deer body. [The brush piles and the deer were not in the same place, just close enough to catch the attention from one to the other.]

It makes me so angry! To selfishly destroy and mutilate an animal for a trophy and waste the meat that would feed a family for a winter. It disgusts me. It also makes me realize how that bullet could fly into any of the homes in the vicinity not to mention the possibility of it straying into the highway traffic. So frightening to think on the "what if". I thank God that it was only a deer that was hit.

I can say that I did have a good experience talking to the TipMont fellow that was on duty. He took down my information and my numbers and told me that he would contact the Warden in our area. [However, being the first day of hunting season, it might be a while before he can get back to us.] He also encouraged me to call them if I ever hear gunshots after dark. "After dark, it's pretty much people up to no good." So, I've put their number on the same phone card as the local sheriff's number and I'll not hesitate to call them should it happen again.

But frankly, I'm going to hope that it doesn't happen again... ever.

Movie Time: Dragonheart (1996)

I recently stumbled on this film when I was stuck in Missoula and surfing the satellite selections for something to do. It is so true that there is rarely much to choose from, so I was pleased to find this movie. We have it in our DVD collection, but it has been a while since I've seen it. It was like meeting up with an old friend and it was a pleasure to see it again.

It is a fantasy movie (rated PG-13 - for action/violence) that has a lot of depth to it. The characters are well constructed and there are many moments of laughter, tension and even tears. The acting ensemble (including Dennis Quaid, David Thewlis, Dina Meyer, Pete Postlethwaite and the voice of Sean Connery) has a chemistry that can be rare to find in most movies. [And I confess a fondness for Brother Gilbert's enthusiasm as well as his poetry and scripture.]

Valor, virtue, truth and all of the elements of "The Old Code" that bring to memory the ideals of chivalry. Those things that this world lacks in so many ways.

But if you look close enough... you can still find them... even inside ourselves.

Enjoy!

Update... sort of... a new chapter

A ways back, I was looking for pictures that might represent a migraine. The creator of this image (labeled as Flickr: aldoaldoz) had it pretty close.

... except someone else would be turning the crank and there would be at least three of those clamps in various locations on the noggin. And for me, add a tilt to it.

For my update, I would like to report that I have successfully reached the end of a very stressful week and now stand on the "other side". All in all, the events that generated that stress actually turned out to be much better than I expected (thanks to God's mercy). The hindsight I have now makes me realize that there are some things that I need to do to help me reduce my stress where I can. The migraine symptoms are bad enough by themselves. I don't need to be adding to the problem.

To start, my neurology appointment went well. However, the doctor did not receive either my letter (sent on 9/28) or the test results supposedly sent from the WorkComp girl. My doctor did take the initiative to paw through some unsorted mail (she said they were understaffed) and did find mine. We went through it and she was refreshingly ready to discuss everything and she answered many of my questions. She is also putting me in full control of deciding ultimately what medications and treatment options I want to try. Through our discussions, she is also very willing to write me a 'prescription' for an air purifier for my work area, should I desire to try it. [I'm still inclined to wait for the final results of the air testing... whenever that might be... or wait until after the first of the year so I can prepare a new year of flex claim options. The purifiers that can filter fragrance-type impurities aren't cheap.]

The left "eyebrow" issue was my main concern. Because I had explained that I'd had something similar on the right side when I was first being diagnosed, she was not inclined to be alarmed or overly concerned about it. If it had been a 'first time ever' thing, that would be another issue. So, for now, we will monitor it and if it persists unchanged (or gets worse or does something strange) by the time we meet next (end of January 2010), then we'll discuss options for internal scans (MRI, etc.) to see what might be going on.

In the meantime, because we don't have the air testing results, we talked about medication changes - i.e. I'm not taking anything right now for "prevention". All of the 'fancy' stuff available has side effects that I'm not ready chance - I can't risk not being able to drive right now. So, I talked to her about one of the testimonials that was printed in one of my migraine books. A woman with migraines found relief by simply taking one aspirin per day. [Could it really be that simple?] My doctor was OK with trying the idea and told me that one pill (325mg) daily should be safe for me... and I also verified that it would still be safe with my current migraine-attack medications.

Because of my own self-imposed restrictions on medications, I decided to start small by using the 'baby aspririn' (or low-dose) variety that is only 81mg. That gives me many options for taking less than 325mg and it also allows for variety of taking it at different times of the day, or when I have pain that I can't ignore. For now, as mornings are when people are the most 'freshly fragrant' that is my scheduled 'daily' dose. However, if my head hurts before bed, I'm taking another one for better sleep. [Right now, I'm more interested in getting the pain managed so my body can quit fighting itself and 'everything else', too.]

The other thing I need to do is go back and review my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy notes and start actively exercising those skills. They've gotten "flabby" because I've not been serious about practicing it for almost 2-years. [I was doing well and didn't need it. Why practice?] I also need to dig up my old relaxation techniques and get them updated so they are more user friendly and accessible. These two things together, should reduce the brain turmoil in my head. Less turmoil, the better the chances of healing. The better the chances of healing, the better the chances for reduction in migraine trigger sensitivities. Less sensitivities... oooooo baby... LESS MIGRAINES. That's my hope anyway. [And maybe get this blog back on the light and happy side of life!]

But I've got my work cut out for me on all fronts. I've scheduled to take this coming Monday off from work. A long weekend will go a fair way towards starting on the right path. Tomorrow is also a Grizzly football game (Homecoming) and Hubby gets to join us this time (yea!), so it will not only be a long weekend, but it will be a long weekend with my Hubby! A very rare treat these days.

So, I guess this is the start of a new chapter in the same book. I don't know what lies ahead, but I know that some changes are going to be made on my part this time around. Time will tell if it's going to be a better chapter than the last one. ;)

The voyage of discovery begins... again.
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God Bless & Godspeed

Can migraines generate paranoia?

I think I've become a raging paranoid.

For the moment, my run-away coach ride has just come to a screeching halt and I owe it to your prayers! Thank you!

God kept His hand on me and kept me from lurching around and He didn't need to cover my mouth except to perhaps close it when my jaw dropped from shock. The meeting had nothing to do with my case... except in the base association that I have actually have case that could be related to an office safety issue.

[Ya-know... a tiny little heads-up that it was for a brainstorm session about a possible new safety committee MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE.]

When my supervisor came and got me, I was ready for just about anything. Now that it's over, I've got to ask: Does God chuckle at his children when they pack the kitchen sink for a picnic in the back yard? Or pack a howitzer to fend off the ants? I hope He does... because I sure feel stupid.

The meeting was just me and the Workman's Comp lady (who actually identified herself as a safety consultant, but she was the same one who was instructing on ergonomics and getting peoples' workstations better fitted to prevent injury). I was grateful that it was just the two of us, and it lightened the mood immediately. She also had no problems with me recording the meeting because of my migraine fog and my desire to remember the details. [It was also my first field test, so I'm glad it was not a huge deal... I'll still keep it though - good habit.] It was a very pleasant talk and it seems to be something that might be included into the category of "God's mysterious ways" again.

If this becomes a real thing, participation could be an avenue to get some education out to the 'general population' and perhaps even get some policy changes. Of course, that could suddenly be my little fantasy, but it is something to consider. So, I told her that I would be interested to see how this develops and she was pleased to see my interest. Only time will tell what will come of it.

Now that THAT 'crisis' is over, I still need to get ready for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. At least I can bring this up as an amusing anecdote. Wow. Why did they feel the need for such cloak & dagger? Such needless stress. Deliberate? Who knows? [Although next time, I will ask up front what the meeting topic is... that's for darn sure!]

Thanks again for the prayers and good thoughts! I'll hold some of them in reserve for tomorrow's appointment if that's OK. ;)
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God Bless & Godspeed

Prayer request...

And I thought things might remain quiet until AFTER my neurologist appointment... "snort"... Fat chance.

How naive am I.

Things could be (scratch that, say they ARE) heading in a very stressful direction. As such, I am asking for prayer for God's will to be done - first and foremost. Secondly, I would ask for God's hand to be on my shoulder (or my head) to keep me steady and the other hand over my mouth so I don't say something that I shouldn't.

Last Friday morning, I received an email from the front office notifying me of a meeting that will be held sometime between 1 and 3 pm tomorrow - no details, meeting location TBA. The only provided information: A representative from Workman's Comp will be meeting with me... and the personnel officer... and my supervisor. The name given to me suggests that the WorkComp representative is their "occupational therapist". [She came through our office last winter for work-station 'adjustments' for those who were having back, neck or other issues.]

Personally, I find even the thought of this meeting to be extremely intimidating. Three against one is not good odds, especially with the animosity of the personnel officer and the apathy of the supervisor... and, of course, eight months of 'conditioned response'.

When I responded to the email, I was not shy in announcing that I will be available to attend, but I would be bringing either a tape recorder or my husband (if he is available) to the meeting. [My gut tells me that we've reached the point that everything needs to be documented via audio or visual - no exceptions.] As it turns out, Hubby cannot be there. [Which is OK, because he told me that he REALLY wants to tell these people what he thinks of them... and considering just how TICKED-OFF (my words, not his) he is at this whole situation - it might be best that he not be there. I will be able to call him afterwards, though for all appropriate comforting and basic information exchange.]

So, it will be just me, my recorder (digital)... and any support God sees fit to send with me. [A host of angels ready to do battle for me would be a very cool mental image to take with me.]

I must say that I do not find it a coincidence that this 'meeting' was arranged on such short notice, and that it falls on the day immediately BEFORE I meet with my neurologist. This may actually turn to my advantage. Although I can swiftly remember that they cannot fire me, nor can they force me to sign or agree to anything. But above that, at any point I can delay having to make any decision or commitments by simply telling them that I have not yet talked to my doctor and need to consult with her before making a decision.

It is completely true after all.

Thanks for listening & for any prayers or good thoughts you'd like to send my way. I don't know if I'll be able to update this blog tomorrow or not. It may have to wait until after my doctor's appointment. I will promise to let you know what comes of it.

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Godspeed & God bless

A little update...

I'm not sure exactly what this is going to add, but here goes:

Yesterday, I finally received my maintenance request to have some cardboard put over the ceiling vent that is located almost directly over my head. The intention is not to block the air completely, just to divert the air that floods into my work area. The slanted modification directs the air towards the wall and (intentionally) back towards some of the resident fragrance sources. Hopefully, this will not only help push fragrances away from me, it will allow for less infiltration into my work area. We'll have to see if it works. [Right now, I'd say that it has helped, but we've had mid-40's temperatures since the modification. When people are cold, they cover up. When they cover up, they also cover up a large percentage of the fragrances that they might share. A good thing.]

Although we get them about once per year, oddly enough, today the front office submitted a company wide notification asking people to be aware of fragrance sensitive people (without forcing anyone to do anything). I did not spur this notification, nor did my friend. [I quit asking for this notification to be shared over a year ago - it never helps.] However, my friend and I are very curious who made the request (a fellow sufferer could be a fellow team player), but we are also curious which 'fragrance source' prompted the request.

Most likely we will never find out...
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Godspeed & God bless

Should I just faint now and get it over with?

I thought I was confused before. Wow.

Because I was told way back in August that I would "definitely hear" back about the fragrance testing BEFORE October, I thought I'd use my nausea and wooziness as courage to push the deal a little bit early. On 9/28, I sent a simple note to the Industrial Hygienist asking if she could tell me if the testing had been completed. She did reply (my first 'official' anything) saying that the report had been completed and submitted to State Fund (i.e. Workman's Comp). No dates and no details volunteered. [And I respected that.]

So, today, after my vision came back (Yup, I got slammed with the first classic migraine I've had since March at about 7:20am and about 30 seconds after I wrapped up my last work project - God's timing is good), and when my brain cleared up enough to think in complete sentenses, I decided to ask my claim-girl about the report. I started by letting her know that the IH confirmed that the report was done and I asked if there was anything she could share with me. I told her I was meeting with my neurologist on 10/7 to discuss my migraine treatments and my options would hinge greatly on the test results and the changes (or non-changes) that would result in the workplace.

What I got back was something that my brain interprets as bad news:

"I am going to try and get a letter off to your dr and I will send the findings to the dr to go over with you. They are trained to interpret and can tell you. Basically thought there is nothing found for a sick building! I will copy you with my letter"

Now, that last sentence is not very good English, but any translations on my part all come back to it's a no-go and nothing was found. [Particularly with the exclamation point at the end.] I responded:

"I appreciate that and thank you. I look forward to learning more about it and the direction that my treatments are going to have to go now. It discourages me to think that there was/is 'nothing in the air' considering the sensitivity of the tests. I guess my hopes were set too high when [my friend] told me he received differing information back on 9/15. I guess it's a good thing that I wasn't going to weigh it any more than a rumor until he or I heard something "official". I guess I've got that now. Thank you for your time."

I got no further reply. Didn't expect one, though.

I guess now all my hopes remain on the tenuous footing that perhaps my doctor will be able to share more information than my claim-girl did. It just really makes me wonder why elements of my case can be discussed by her with someone else (i.e. my friend) and not with me. It also makes me wonder (via the law of noncontradiction) who is being lied to, or if a subtle piece of information has been omitted? [i.e. the tests I was expecting were for fragrances... not sick building.] Who knows? But I do know that I'm quite depressed about it (but that could be migraine related, too).

Fortunately, not having work lined up for me to do, and no desire or oomph to make busy work for myself, I spent a few hours reading in the Scriptures an really soaked into the Book of 1 Peter. There is a lot of good stuff in there that applies to me and my situation. Good encouragements as well as a few chastisements, but the following were the ones that really spoke to my spirit:

1 Peter 2:18-23 (New International Version)
18Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh [Note: NASB has this ‘unreasonable’]. 19For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. 20But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 22"He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth."[e] 23When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
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1 Peter 3:13-17 (New International Version)
13Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear[b]; do not be frightened."[c] 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.
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Maybe something good will still come of all this. I'll have to let you know, but I'm not expecting anything new to become available until after my appointment on 10/7.

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Godspeed & God Bless

God moves in mysterious ways... and He has me so confused.

I still thank God for Extra Strength Excedrin (or the generic equivalent).

As far as the adventures at my office, they continue. I wear a mask almost constantly these days and upgraded on 9/18 from the 3m-8210-N95 respirator - dust and fine particles - to the 3m-8247-R95 respirator (w/ a carbon layer) - latex paints and 'annoying odors' - as they've transferred an entire department into our work area (6-10 people) since the beginning of September. And, even with the mask, I've still had a few occasions where I've had to completely abandon my work area for 4-6 hours until people's scents have aged to the point where I don't react as much. [i.e. The more freshly applied a scented product is, the stronger and faster my reactions. Still wet hair-mousse is killer for me! UGH!]

Now, I know that God is sovereign and His plan is perfect in intent and execution... but I am so confused.

On September 15th, I was told a fragile soap-bubble of a rumor that sent my hopes soaring to the heights. A trusted source (the fellow who is deathly allergic - and whose case has been linked to mine because of the fragrance issues) told me that the Work-Comp lady told him that the perfume testing had been completed, the results are back, and it seems that the company has a significant problem with the levels of fragrance chemicals in our air. That information came with a promise that the "officials" will be addressing the issue to the company "in person". I was also told that the results of this meeting would bring the instigation of a fragrance-free policy.

[The drawback is that the company can comply or not, but there are consequences to either choice. If this is "real", and it does "happen", my greatest fear will be the repercussions from the high-school mentality individuals who will blame me for it... even if it was their own choice of actions that have brought on the consequences that will affect an entire company.]

As of today, I'm wondering if this soap-bubble rumor hasn't popped and become just another puff of scented air to deal with. There has been no official word of anything, and it's painfully obvious that there have been no changes in the work place. And, I must confess that things are getting worse in more than a couple of ways...

On 9/21, I had yet another episode where I had to escape to my friend's office.

On 9/22, I was told by my supervisor (without an iota of an explanation) that I could no longer go to my friend's office when I cannot stay in my own work area. I can also no longer use my own laptop. I'm being told I must use a conference room positioned two departments CLOSER to the bulk of the fragrance sources that started this little game. Isn't that kind of them? And I've been given access to my supervisor's laptop that he keeps in his office. [I've not quite figured out how to access it when he's got his door shut and/or is having meetings... Not what I'd call accessible at a moment's notice, that's for sure!]

9/23 & 9/24 were some horrible days that started with extensive fragrances on top of an unwelcome dosage of bug spray (the Cooler-Keeper has a problem with spiders)... and when I reported it (because she was expressly told not to use it again)... I was suddenly accused of lying and spent the majority of two days defending myself. Yet again, I'm being warned of harassment charges and I'm completely aghast at my repeated character assassination. It even set me up for the complete inability to report the two perfume samples (like the ones in magazines) that were tossed into my work area late afternoon on that second day, unfortunately without witnesses. [I had to have one of my neighbor coworkers remove them as I couldn't even touch them.] And with expressly detailed vitriol from the front office, without photographic or video evidence, my word is invalid. [No matter how they tried to convince me that they weren't taking sides!]

[I'm slowly learning that rules are completely flexible and completely unequal in their distribution and enforcement. No matter what is done 'because it's the right thing to do', expect it to be used against you like a 2X4.]

Alas, God's plan continues to mystify as today (9/28) I had yet another block thrown into my path as I had to give back the key to my friend's office that he had given to me for those escapes when he was not there. That completely removes my guaranteed safe area from my options. I really would like to know what God is planning, but right now, I'm just trying to give them absolutely no reason to fire me.

New motto: SHOW UP, SHUT UP, DO MY JOB & GO HOME.

Today, however, God granted me mercy and I only needed my mask for about two hours this morning. That is the least amount of usage in a single day in over a month. I am very grateful... and confess that I'm a little greedy for perhaps another 'better day' tomorrow.

I'll have to keep you posted. I really don't know what is going to happen with all this mess... but I believe that it's going to get messier before it gets straightened out. Any prayers for God's will to be done in this situation would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Godspeed and God Bless

A bit of inspiration...new blog photo

This might be a weird post entry, but I wanted to share it with you. [And it's a nice distraction from my migraine saturation of the past several weeks... future post(s) will be forthcoming at some point, I'm sure.]

When the world gets really chaotic (and it has been exceptional of late), I find doing something artistic can sometimes help set my mind back into some semblance of order and I can get my focus back. The easiest source of artistic play right now is working on blog photos.

I've wanted to put up something "new" so I have used spare moments to leisurely search for pictures. [Which can be relaxing in and of itself.] I have photos of winter that I'm not near ready to use, but I had no photos that might bring out the Fall colors that are rapidly approaching. And, as always, I was searching for more cute squirrel pictures to incorporate into my library of photos.

I managed to find two photos that just "spoke to me": 1.) A sleeping squirrel, and 2.) a photo that can only be described as a spray of God's fire trapped in the guise of maple leaves. [Many thanks to the individuals who took the photos and were willing to cast them into the internet... and my wishes that I could find their names to give them credit.]




The squirrel was actually going to become a "caption this photo" element, but this little critter needed something special that wouldn't disappear too quickly into the archive. [Something that I could reuse as many times as I wanted.] Looking at the picture, my heart wants to be where that squirrel is - safe, relaxed, utterly unconcerned with the world, perhaps even content. That's the way it should be in "your own nest". So, it was chosen to be a blog title photo, if I could just figure out how to display it. I did some experimentation with combining the photos and I found the simplest treatment to ultimately be the best. The result is the blog title photo that is now displayed.

It really makes me smile inside to look at it.
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

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Godspeed & God Bless

It's been a roller coaster...

Sorry I've not been around a lot. Things have just been loaded with ups and downs for weeks now, which makes me particularly grateful to have Monday off without burning vacation time.

I'm able to blog today because I'm stuck in Missoula (where there is internet)... Well, voluntarily stuck. I'd rather be at home, but tomorrow is the first of the University of Montana Grizzlies football games. Hubby and I have season tickets with my sister. Pity he can't attend because of work. :(

[But he was able to negotiate trades with another driver for two games - one in October and one in November, so he won't miss them all. You want to see what he thinks of football? Click here.]

[sigh] It was my hope that this blog would have more lighthearted or (I hope) interesting things to share, but I continue to find myself blindsided or interrupted... or more likely, I've been just completely out of steam or desire to do anything. So I think I've done more whining than I'd care to admit. Sorry. [I don't know how people with similar experiences do it... especially if there are kids or pets that also demand their attention. Wow.]

The battles have commanded the priority positions for a long time. Any respite from them means... chores, sleep and chores until whatever steam that remains goes away. What about weekends? Someday, perhaps, I'll have access to internet at home again, but right now it doesn't really matter. For the last few weekends, 'chores' includes cleaning the church for a community concert scheduled on the 12th. It's a beautiful facility, but it's also quite large. I've been astounded at how much of a workout vacuuming for two hours straight can be... especially dealing with lingering migraine effects from the week prior. It took two hours for the sanctuary and foyer, and two hours for the basement & fellowship hall (separate weekends). I count myself blessed that this coming weekend, Mr. Squirrel and another church member will help me finish up the kitchen, bathrooms (all four of them) and any additional mopping that needs to be done. Once completed, it'll all be done... before the concert. Whew!

As far as the rest of my life, I believe I've reached a cross-roads, of sorts, for many of the things going on right now. I've got so much confusion going on in my mind... and not all of it is the result of migraines. [Though the migraines seem to be the underlying pavement - causes, effects, frustrations and depression.]

At my office: Although the new work area is better, it is not without it's migraine triggers for me. And, the last few weeks has seen increased activity to prepare areas for new people to move in. That activity keeps the air stirred up... and all the fragrances circulate with a vengeance. I've begun to think that Darth Vader wants to be my new friend in the Masks-R-Us club. It's been awful. It's spurred me into researching painter's masks and portable air-purifier systems that will filter out VOC vapors. [VOC=Volitile Organic Compounds]

I SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Tied to that is the continuing Workman's Comp "exercise in futility". The distillation of a frustrating day can be boiled down to this: I cannot make appointments, referrals, purchase equipment, etc. without the express permission (i.e. authorization) of the Workman's Comp... girl. And, she will not authorize ANYTHING until they determine whether or not I've got a claim. But, I can't do that without the appointments that they won't authorize until after the claim is determined to actually be work related... and not some sort of life issue. [Which I am sure they are going to push towards so they don't have to pay a red cent. But that's my own frustrated opinion.] In other words: I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I still have hope that the air-testing will still bear fruit. I found out that the fragrance test was done as a follow-up one week after the general testing. It's my hope that she landed on a day when everyone was fragrant. The results should be coming back any time now.

Physically, I'm experiencing all of those (Bickerstaff) migraine symptoms that I find the most disturbing: Tingling and numbness in my left arm, hand, leg and foot; a brain that seems to get shocked into neutral so that I can't think, and of course the the equilibrium that is a large-bubble-off-of-plumb. The blessing (yup, there is one), is that having moved to the new location, the after effects which used to last up to three days or more, only last 12 to 48 hours. Unless it's a really solid hit, then I get the 72-hour amusement park.

Some new things have got me a little spooked though. After the move, although the numbness in my little toes went away completely (Yea!), I've been noticing a persistent tenderness under my left eyebrow and the upper edge of the orbital ridge. I believe it is related to the migraines because I've experienced it before on the right side. The oddity is that it shifted to the left side and that it is persistent while being variable in degree and duration. It could also be related to some dental sensitivity (also variable and intermittent) on the same side. [Which could also be migraine related with either hormones or perhaps clenching, though I've not done it in the past.]

Right here I get the abrupt reminder about the Workman's Comp girl's proclamation about required pre-authorization and promised automatic denial of authorization because the claim is not yet considered legit.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Well, I've already made an appointment with my neurologist (first available opening is October 7th) and I'm working up the courage to pursue both a dental and an eye exam. Without authorization - and I may not even tell her about it. [ooo... I'm such a trouble-maker.] I had planned to do both months ago, but our finances wouldn't carry the burden. Now that Hubby is back in the workforce, the chances are better that we can cover expenses... but we are still in the financial rebuilding stages. We can't get spend-happy too much or too quickly.

I'd better sign off this post before it becomes a bigger novel. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts, the encouragements and caring.

P.S. That one minute commercial for the Griz Football on Hubby's site is from a couple of years ago, but it's what we watch before games to get charged up... I've watched it about four times already this evening.... maybe five. I remember someone calling it "group therapy with 25,000 of your closest friends". There is some truth to that.

Go Griz!
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God bless & Godspeed

Prayer Request... & Thanks

Original post: 8/25/09

Another prayer request, please, for my stepdaughter this time:

Over the last decade or so, I've learned that "boring" is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, last night was far from boring when Mr. Squirrel's daughter experienced what we believe to be catastrophic brake failure and crashed into (i.e. through) the back wall of the garage. [I was actually beginning to work on my next "movie" post when this event occurred.]

I would like to direct you to Mr. Squirrel's blog for pictures & details: click here. [Note: My car is the little blue one parked along the outside of the garage.] We are all so grateful that there were no injuries.

This could have been so much worse in so many ways, and it reminds me how God shows His mercy even in the bad things that happen to us. My prayer request is that when the wall is shored up and the car towed out, that the repairs to both will be less expensive (and/or extensive) than we imagine.

I also pray that her insurance rates will not be affected... too much.

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Update: 8/27/09

Mr. Squirrel has posted an update on his blog - click here. [There is also speculation of the cause in the comments.] Thanks for the prayers!

P.S. Please add some prayers for me. I've been dealing with significant migraine issues (triggered by fragrances) at the office, because new people have been moving into the area. It's quite a battle. Thanks much.

Update: 8/28/09

Thanks again for the additional prayers. Things have been improving again at the office. It really is like Russian Roulette. You just never know when you get the bullet!

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God Bless & Godspeed

A Time to Rest...

There are days when it suddenly enters my mind that I have not had a chance to "rest". Life has been so busy just trying to keep up that I didn't realize it until I had down-time at the office. All the project work is caught up and I finally have a chance to make backups and do the machine maintenance. I could tell from the dates on the last backups, that I've not done any since this past MARCH. [Hmmm. Are you that way, too? Even when you get a day off, it's spent doing the things that you couldn't do during the week.]

During those times when my machines are churning away, my brain can wander to other things. Today it desperately wants to rest.

Because I had my netbook with me today, I accessed an available yet anonymous internet link (flaky connection and unreliable) so I wouldn't interfere with the company routers & servers. I thought it would be relaxing to Google some pictures for future blog posts. Suddenly I found myself looking at pictures that generated feelings of inner peace. They were mostly landscapes, but they all let something between my brain and my soul "rest" as I looked at them. Some of them reminded me of memories I'd forgotten. Beautiful days as a kid spent with family in the woods (getting firewood or picking huckleberries), or those archaeological-survey days working for the BLM or Forest Service, when I would cross over a ridge and suddenly stand within a vista display of God's creation. [Although I didn't know Him at that time.]

I would like to share one of those pictures with you. The following photo is of Hidden Lake in Montana. I'm not sure if I've actually been to this lake, but I remember being to many mountain/glacial lakes in my lifetime that looked very much like this one. Unfortunately, my memory is so foggy that I can't tell you when it was or who I was with, but this photo brings vividly to mind the smells of the mountain air and the trees. Whether I was alone or with a group, I remember stopping to just take it all in... to just "be" a part of the scenery - nothing needing to be done, no obiligations.

It's good to remember that there is more to life than just work. There is also "rest."

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Godspeed & God Bless!

Praise to be shared...

MR. SQUIRREL IS BACK IN THE WORKFORCE! YIPPEE!

Thanks so much for all the prayers and thoughts!

As of Saturday evening, Mr. Squirrel completed his first "week" and is officially on the work-rolls for the Missoula branch of the Yellow Cab Company!

Happy Dance! Happy Dance!

Prayer Request...

Original post 8/4/09:

Another prayer request, please:

I am hesitant to give details, but let me just say that Mr. Squirrel is THISCLOSE to a new local job opportunity. It is the only positive bite we've gotten since that last "positive"... and we know how quickly that got shot down in flames.

My prayer request is that God's will be done. If it is in His will, please let Mr. Squirrel re-enter the workforce that we might feel the strangle-hold of all that "hope and change" to a lesser degree.

We should know in the next few days. Many thanks!

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Update: 8/6/09:

Yesterday, Mr. Squirrel was invited to do a 'ride along' to see if the job was something that he wanted to do. At the end of a three hour stint, he gave them the thumbs-up and today he's on his first day (12-hours) of training... Note: The "you got the job" papers have not been signed yet, but will be as soon as he is given his own shift, and we should know more about that by the end of the day today.

We are almost there!

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God bless & Godspeed

Prayer Request... Thanks

Original Post - 7/31/09:

This is just a quick prayer request. With all the perfume issues going on recently, I'm heading into a potential "lion's den" of my own.

Tonight and part of tomorrow, I will be participating in Mr. Squirrel's 25-year High School Reunion. It should be fun, but I have some apprehensions about the fragrance levels. I've already mentally prepared for it by reducing my emotional investment in the fear and dread - (practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be a wonderful thing) and I'll have my stuff (mask/meds) with me to deal with anything that might crop up. However, I'd just like the event to have more fun than apprehension.

If you could pray for God's sustaining hand and mercy to be upon the event, I would be grateful. Thanks.
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Update 8/3/09 -

Many thanks for the prayers! I survived the weekend with only a few annoying side effects hanging on during the recovery (including something akin to the effects of hayfever).

The reunion was well attended (50+ people) and I only had half-dozen people who I had to avoid or use strong caution around (only one was male). Unfortunately, the good-bye hugs Saturday night ended up being my greatest challenge. With a long drive to get home afterward, I had to "wear" all those scents until I could get into a shower. [I tried an alcohol wash in the car, but it only went so far as it was in my clothing by default.]

I am very pleased to say that the office-move has officially shown it's worth in the improvement in my ability to endure encounters. I can last longer during exposures, but more importantly the after effects are not so debilitating (so far). I did have fairly strong headaches each morning after gatherings (who needs alcohol to experience hangovers), but I only had one strong dizzy spell after the initial "introduction" hugs. I did have some minor dizziness on Sunday, too, but I'm hoping the 'after-shocks' will not be long lasting. [Not all migraine effects happen at the time of the exposure. Sometimes it likes to pounce on me long after the event... when I let my guard down.]

It was a pleasure to meet some of Mr. Squirrel's friends and the event turned out to be a very good experience overall. Thanks again!

God Bless & God speed

Not alone in perfume sensitivities...

The timing of this article seems somehow bolstering to my sense of being a normal human and not some some sort of a leper because I have troubles with fragrances. A coworker brought it to my attention this morning:

If it works, the article can be reached when you Click here. Should the link not work, here is a copy/paste version of the printer page:

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34 hospitalized after co-worker sprays perfume

Investigators don't know what type was sprayed

The Associated Press

updated 7:17 p.m. MT, Wed., July 29, 2009

FORT WORTH, Texas - At first, fire officials suspected that carbon monoxide or some other toxic fumes had sickened almost 150 people at a Texas bank call center.

It turned out that perfume was to blame.

MedStar ambulance spokeswoman Lara Kohl says 34 people were taken to hospitals, 12 by ambulance, after reporting dizziness and shortness of breath Wednesday at a Bank of America call center in Fort Worth. Medics treated 110 at the scene.

Fort Worth fire Lt. Kent Worley says the incident started with two people complaining about dizziness after a co-worker sprayed perfume. Others reported being sick when an announcement was made that anyone with similar symptoms should exit the building.

Investigators do not know what type of perfume was sprayed.

Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Newest developments at the office...

Hello, all - I thought I'd share a surprise that I hope will eventually result in a very good thing. In honor of the surprise, I tried to find a picture that would visually represent my own view of what started it all - the fragranced visitors who frequent the departmental water cooler. This is the photo I stumbled onto and it seemed appropriate to me... [and it made me smile, too... I think baby skunks are cute!]

This past Monday I was interrupted in my work to be introduced to the Workman's Comp case worker as well as the Industrial Hygienist. I now have faces to names. Actually, they both looked to be about 12-years old, but both seemed to be quite professional. [The hygienist was also quite friendly.]

This was it. They were there to do the air testing as part of my claim. It was finally happening!

It's my understanding, that because this issue was primarily about fragrances, the hygienist was using a device that picks up parts per billion rather than the "normal" device that detects parts per million. [At that point, I really wished that she had come to visit last week when the conference was taking place. Particularly on Friday morning as the fellow who is deathly allergic had an exposure that took him down - hard. Poor guy! I thank God that he was able to alert his back-up who was able to get him safely outside the building in time. So very frightening!!!]

Although the hygienist indicated that she would be doing tests all over the building (both floors), she seemed to do the most thorough testing in my new work area. I thought this odd, but I don't know if they needed to test the 'safest' area to use as a control sample of some sort... or to see if it actually was better. [Which would also be very interesting to know.] Side note: I found out later that they also did the same to the office that my fragrance-allergic friend uses.

Oddly enough, the day of the testing was actually one of the best days I'd had in a VERY long time. Unfortunately, the returning fragrance intensity today suggests that someone may have tipped-off a few of the heavy fragrance users. Two of them had little to no fragrance (and one kept on a jacket which is quite effective in 'covering up' scent), another one called in sick. Go figure. Fortunately, two of my primary 'offenders' were still quite fragrant and it's my hope that the testing equipment is still sensitive enough to pick up on any of the issues.

Ideally, this whole test will somehow get the company to instigate fragrance-free (or fragrance-reduced) policies in the whole building. [Even if they are just in certain areas of the building that could be good, too.] However, if nothing else happens, there is one good thing that may come of this... should the company take the advice. When the ladies were doing their testing, the maintenance guy was pretty much following them around. During that excursion, they told him about a janitorial supply outlet that has bathroom soap (sold by the 5-gallon bucket) that is FRAGRANCE FREE. That one simple change would make a huge difference all by itself. It has often crossed my mind that people who use the water cooler may have visited after washing their hands. The soap scents would be brought with them by default.

I guess time will tell. The testing results will need to be processed and evaluated, reports written and final assessments made. I was told that I may get a copy of the results automatically, but if I don't, I can request a copy. In either case, I'm very much looking forward to seeing what will happen.

Until that time, each day is just like the day before - be vigilant and take things as they come. Thanks for listening!
---------------------------------

Godspeed & God Bless

A challenging week...

For those following my fragrance-saga, I did get moved to a new work location. It was like moving into an economy apartment, but it's settled and has become quite comfortable (with lots of plants). I've not had any more episodes of sabotage, either. I still have smaller 'events' to deal with when some specific people walk by, but the overall improvements have allowed me to endure them with effects that seem to pass more quickly (and none have lasted more than 12-24 hours - a far cry from the 2-3 days it was before).

No. The challenges are not with my immediate work area except for two factors that I was not expecting.

First: This week has a training conference going on inside the building. New people, new people touring all work areas... and you guessed it - NEW PERFUMES. Wow. Once they quit touring the people, things returned to closer to normal with only the occasional wafts from the conference rooms (which are located directly below our department - yes, it can come through the floors).

Second: Do you know what happens when it's in the 90's outside, and the building's air-conditioning has been down since early spring? And they said it would be fixed by July 10th? And the last report said fixed "at the very least" by Wednesday July 22? [Isn't that today????] Yup. You guessed it: People wear more stinky stuff to keep from getting stinky... I took this picture of the thermometer I've hung up in my work area...



Need I say more?
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Wouldn't it be funny if they decided to do the air-testing this week?
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;)

Addition: I found this picture in my 'caption this' cache... I think it embodies my mental capacity when trying to do computer work at 90-degrees. [Let me know if you might agree.]

Caption this photo...

This picture brought me a smile... and several ideas for captions...

Hope you had a Safe & Happy 4th of July

A day late, but Mr. Squirrel allowed me to sneak onto the internet from his laptop.

[I even snitched this photo from his blog... It's worth sharing.]

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God bless & Godspeed

It's like being in High School again...

[Original post: 5/31/09: 6:10pm.]

It amazes me. How did I never realize it? How (or why) do people (who should be adults) choose to revel in the the petty, backstabbing mentalities of high school? Yes, I realize this is a fallen world, but… Wow.

[original post shortened.]

-------------------------------------------


Update: 6/29/09 (8:20pm) - Yup... definitely High School mentality.

The best thing I can do is just share the email I sent to my supervisor this morning... It says it all. As follows:

As much as I don't want to say anything at all, I am under the advisement of friends and family to report something to you.

Last Friday morning I encountered something I did not expect within the new work area: Someone sprayed something under the desk. I didn't notice it right away because my head is above the desk as I sit. Once I did notice it, I started the hunt for the source. I found that the strongest scent came from the back panel under the desk. [The logical back-stop for anything sprayed from the front of the desk.] My nose/brain translated it as "vanilla" similar to a Glade or AirWick product (i.e. some sort of air-freshener).

I wanted to report it, but who would believe me? Besides, there is no way to prove anything or even find out who did it.

So this weekend I put together a cleaning kit so I can take care of that kind of 'High School mentality' before anyone needs to know about it. It's my hope that the planned installation of some wall units may help discourage further antics as the current setup is completely open to any passer-by.

Thank you for your time.
---------------------------------

Go figure, huh?

Doing better...

I sometimes don't realize how much weight I'm carrying until it drives me to the ground. Once on the ground, as terrible as it feels, the burden is off long enough to at least shift around the load so it can be better handled... and hopefully discard some of it in the process.

Back in 1999, God granted me a gift of a wonderful little perpetual flip-calendar: The Grace of Encouragement by Charles R. Swindoll. Each day has a quote from one of his books and a scripture to enhance it. I was incredibly encouraged by the page for June 23rd... just when I needed it most:

The book quote (from "Come Before Winter, p.181): Are you facing some difficult battle today? Don't run! Stand still and refuse to retreat. Look at it as God looks at it and draw upon His power to hold up under the blast.

The scripture (from 2 Chronicles 20:15 NRSV): Thus says the Lord to you "Do not fear or be dismayed at the great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's."

I'm so glad that God does not forsake His children. In the hard times, He knows our struggles and He knows how to send encouragements to us to simply "hold fast" and not let go. He sent to me kind words from friends, a simply adorable bunny watching from the side of the field, and a little flip calendar.
--------------------------------
Godspeed & God Bless

Why am I crying...

It's 4am. I'm sitting in the bathroom with a towel over my shoulders to keep me warm. I've been awake since 12:30 and almost got back to sleep when something fell or the step-daughter came in at 1am-ish. By 1:30 I started relaxation techniques and by 2:30 plugged in a book. By 3:30 the tears started and have not quite abated.

I'm so depressed and I'm so tired of it all. I can't help but ask: Why me? Why can't I take 6 1/2 months off to deal with my own depression? Why can't I take time off to find chat friends to spend my days with? It sure would be a nicer way to spend my days than to be in a workplace that has become a stress generator greater than that of scratching by on a single income. My migraines are getting worse because there is no relief from the stress, which makes me more sensitive to the fragrances - yadda, yadda - never ending spiral downwards.

I'm so tired of fighting these battles on my own. I am out of ways to motivate, to encourage, to plea for help. I can't do this on my own! What steps to I need to take to be heard? What steps do I need to take to ... take care of me (because it's pretty obvious that no-one else is going to do it for me)?

Sorry for the vent. My work alarm will be going off in less than 45 minutes... if I'm not actually ready to go by then. The earlier I go to work, the more work I can get done before the fragranced people show up... and the earlier I can get off work on Friday because I'll get off at the same time I always do... unless I leave early.

Time to soldier on... for what it's worth.

It's like being in High School again...

[Original post: 5/31/09: 6:10pm.]

It amazes me. How did I never realize it? How (or why) do people (who should be adults) choose to revel in the the petty, backstabbing mentalities of high school? Yes, I realize this is a fallen world, but… Wow.

The workman's comp saga proceeds with turns and a couple of twists. Continuing the chronology from the last post (i.e. doctor’s letter through a workman’s comp accident report – remember, not my idea), I had scheduled to take off a few extra days to make the Memorial weekend a good long 5-day weekend... at home. [My last safe refuge. I almost want to keep a messy house so we won't get visitors! How sad!]

Aside from the 70 minute phone interview with the workman’s comp lady on Friday afternoon, the weekend was WONDERFUL. Hubby and I were able to get a lot of work done on the property (burning branch piles and cleaning up blown down trees (though there is still a lot of work left to do). We were even able to take off a day or two to rest and relax. [It's been so long, I'd forgotten what those words meant.]

When I got back to work on Tuesday the 26th, I had a strength that I’ve not felt in months. Friends mentioned that I looked like I was feeling better. I had better color and better stature. Being fragrance-free for 5 days allowed my body to regain stability and heal to a greater degree than it could do so on a normal 2-day weekend. I was telling people that my weekend was "better than therapy!"

That same day, while I was away on my lunch break - go figure - the water cooler was shifted about 10-feet farther away from my work area. [As yet I have not determined if the air patterns will show this to be an advantage or not. If the fragranced people still insist on chatting with "The Caretaker of the cooler", the move will have made no difference at all.]

I personally found out about the move via the not-so-subtle grumbling and sideways looks & whispers that inundated the work area (for the next four days). The office population also increased as the word got out and the patrons just had to "come see" and make their displeasure known.

Communications from the front office also came to me that the move had been made with indications that they believed that the physical relocation of the cooler should solve all my problems. I had to be very careful in my phrasing to let them know that I was made aware (mostly by the hostile grumbling) and to express my hope that it would reduce my exposures. Of course, this spurred a long confused reply that made me think I was writing in Greek... or perhaps Sanskrit. Yikes! I even expressed in my own reply that I believed that I had been very clear and how I could not understand where the confusion was coming from. My reply was more rational than I felt like being with a request to let me know if I was in any way still being unclear… and if it was, to be very specific so that I could address whatever it was very specifically. Unbelievable!

Meanwhile the petty vindictive high-school mentality runs amuck. The cooler was moved so obviously people can wear more fragrance and camp longer at The Caretaker’s desk. Furthermore, because the cooler is no longer immediately next to the Caretaker, she can loudly announce to the cooler visitors: "So good of you to come visit me! Come back anytime!"

The blessing in all of this is that the move may have actually put the machine slightly out of the main air currents that seem to eddy in my work area. I have noticed improvements while I sit at my desk. [Although I need to hold my breath to use the staircase if anyone is at the cooler or has recently left there.] However, I can deal with that. I do the same thing when I have to go into the clock-room or through the lunchroom.

Only time will tell, though. If all this works, and I am able to have a reduction in my exposures to people’s fragrances, then I should be able to better recover from those exposures that I must endure. I think of it like a bruise. If you keep hitting that same spot over and over, the sensitivity just grows and grows, so that it takes less force to make it hurt more. However, if you can protect the wound for a while, it can better withstand a follow-up hit with fewer of the effects.

[Sigh] I have no idea how long and far-reaching this mess will be. The workman’s comp research continues (doctors lists and medical/medication records) as does the animosity of former “friends”. It is my hope that in time, people will ‘relax’ into something resembling a normal pattern. Patterns allow for predictability. Predictability allows for planning & coping skills to be used - God willing.

The most disheartening thing to have to admit: My office is not the only place where I once considered it to be a 'safe' place. [Without details, that is one of the reasons why I'm often "the troll in the basement" when I stay at MIL's place.] I suppose if I have to deal with "high-school mentality" at the office, I should not be surprised when I have to deal with it everywhere else, too. Go figure.
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Godspeed & God bless
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UPDATE 6/22/09 (2pm):

I'm on my lunch break (and actually not using a company machine to make this update). I wanted to share a discovery: I think that I've suddenly figured out that the high-school people work at the Workman's Comp office, too. Sheesh! I hate it when people get mad at you for accidentally finding out that they weren't doing their job. Yikes! She's going to be SO GLAD when she never has to talk to me again... and I think I'll be glad, too, frankly.

On the side of 'anything new' happening: I don't know if it's progress or not, but motions are being made towards doing some sort of 'air testing' at the office. [Do fragrances pick up on air quality tests?] I don't know the who, or the when, but if it's like the last few weeks... I'm expecting the meat-grinder to continue chewing on me for a while.

In addition to the desire to watch "Victory" again, I think I need stronger armor (mental or otherwise)... It's getting more and more tempting to believe that all this animosity is personal.

Gotta go back to work. See ya!
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Updated: Just prayers, now...

This is just a quick note to express a praise and a prayer. The praise is for a long awaited call for a job interview for Mr. Squirrel. The prayer is for that long awaited job interview for Mr. Squirrel.

The interview is Thursday morning at 11am. The feelings are positive and hopeful, but prayers are still requested for the Lord's guidance and that all will go well. Many thanks!

Godspeed and God bless!
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UPDATE 6/11 (6:30pm):

Mr. Squirrel's interview was less of an interview and more of a "hands-on" testing session. We had lunch together today so I could find out how it went. He was VERY pleased with how he did. [I believe the words used were that he "SMOKED IT".] The testing supervisor told him that they would be reviewing his test results and would be calling him in the next 2-3 days to tell him "the next steps".

Realistically, this isn't a "yes", but it's not a "no", either. Hopes are still very high with confidence to match. [Which is typically when the "disappointment monster" pounces on us.] For ease of tracking this saga, I'll continue to update this post rather than starting a new one when new information is available. Thanks again for the prayers and good thoughts!

:)

UPDATE 6/15 (6:30pm):

Does the phrase "SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES" mean anything to you? We sit in stunned silence and utter disbelief. Mr. Squirrel is extremely depressed and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to help him (us) pick up our cross and keep going.

We were expecting some sort of contact today, but did not receive any phone calls. So, Mr. Squirrel checked his email in case there was a message. There was one. This evening he got the equivalent of a 'dear john' form letter that gave absolutely no indication of why he was denied further interview steps. He has sent an email to both our friend who was helping him and the recruiter who seemed to be encouraging him. It is our hope that maybe someone, somewhere, can tell us why he's been axed from the possibility of employment. If there is something that needs to be fixed, it sure would be nice to know what it is that needs fixing.

I am reminded of the scriptures in the Book of Job. God allowed Satan to test Job with the only restriction that he couldn't kill him. Although not in the same league as Job's afflictions, we continue to be in a time of severe testing... and we are trying to stay faithful. Please continue to pray for us, but especially for Mr. Squirrel.

Many thanks.

P.S. I have my own battles continuing with the office 'high-school mentalities' and workman's comp issues. So the frustrations are abundant and overwhelming. Right now I consider Mr. Squirrel to be the priority, so I will detail my own stuff later.